Jan 23 2016
Original: The Beard Coach
Wow. We have entered some bizarro world of reversal and deception. Coach Beard? Beard Coach? WTF is going on?!
I was minding my own business Googling myself on a weeknight (like we ALL do). Actually, a kid that I teach in my real life job mentioned seeing my beard on someone’s tumblr, so I was trying to figure out what was up with that. Because my tumblr presence is limited to my alter-ego as a stock trading cat. No beards whatsoever.
I was scrolling down Google Images and what do I see? “Congratulations, Coach Beard”
Who IS this Coach Beard?!
Is he truly the bizarro version of the Beard Coach?
Turns out that the answer is kind of yes.
The most obvious reversal, besides our names, is that Coach Beard has a sexy chocolate brown skin tone, whereas Beard Coach is a pasty pink piglet.
More importantly, Beard Coach wears some pretty robust facial hair year round. Coach Beard keeps it subtle with the barely-there groomed goatee. Maybe it’s the fact that Miami is sweltering much of the year and Beard Coach’s Michigan home is downright frosty for about five months.
Next up… Coach Beard is an elite athlete who played football at the University of Miami with the likes of Santana Moss. Hey, Beard Coach also played football! But no one was recruiting a 6-foot, 185 pound defensive end out of high school. So the similarity ends there. Instead of becoming an elite athlete in college, I ate a bag of Butter Lovers popcorn every weekday and drank a case of beer every weekend. That 185 pounds blew...
Jan 16 2016
Original: The Beard Coach
As beard coach, I receive many emails from people around the world lamenting that they can’t grow the beard they’ve always longed for. Maybe it’s too sparse, or it doesn’t link up the way they hoped it would. These are sad stories, believe me, but the saddest of all… the ones that wet my beard with tears of compassion… are from those who can hardly sprout a handful of hairs on their chins.
You can imagine my joy when I learned of an unbelievable procedure… the beard transplant.
Yes, it’s a real thing. For lots of thousands of dollars, you can have individual hair follicles transplanted from the back of your head to your face. The technology to perform this surgery did not exist until recently. As a result the beard transplant has more than doubled in popularity from 1.5 percent of all hair transplant procedures to 3.7 percent.
So, Genetically Short-Changed Guy Who Has Very Sparse Facial Hair, check out this infographic, get the follicles shuffled around, and let me know how I can coach you to the luxurious beard you deserve!